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Something Completely Different: Heston Blumentroll’s Perfect Steak

We weren’t originally going to post this on the Pot – but then it was funny. Here’s Hugh’s entry for the Harvest Festival Bake-Off…


Cooking time: 24 hours (total)
Special Equipment: Fire mage, small imp, enough patience to complete Insane In The Membrane, kitchen a long way away from Mulgore.
Key ingredient: Well-aged two-bone forerib Cow Steak. Yes, cow steak. Not Tasty Lion, Tender Shoveltusk, equally Tender Wolf, [Blackened Worg, Big Bear, or Longneck Grazer Steak. As you can see, Azerothian steak is rare, difficult to obtain, and arguably somewhat unethical.

Unethical?

Well, let's just say that you'll need to buy it on a cross-faction AH, it'll be easier if there's a lot of PvP, and I'm really not kidding about keeping the hell away from Thunder Bluff whilst you're cooking this.

1. Summon a very small, low-level imp, bind him well (because his job's going to be tedious), then stick him in a large cookpot. Now, place the steak inside the cookpot too, and instruct the imp to DPS it very, very slowly. And I mean fakking sl- oh, right, you got that already. Leave him to DOT it up for a minimum of 18 hours, making sure it never goes above the temperature of Stranglethorn on a warm day.

2. Backhand the imp into unconciousness, then retrieve the steak. Cover it (in case any passing Tauren spot your in-faction PvP) and leave it to rest for 2 hours. Whilst that's happening, find a Fire Mage, and explain to him or her that you need to use their Pyroblast. They will get very excited. Before they pass out due to hyperventilation, explain you'll need them to use it more than once, so despite their amazing PoM/Pyro combo the first time, their DPS is still going to suck compared to Arcane. Arrange the steak so that it looks like the tooltip for Arcane Flows and let them blast it until it's well and truly seared.

3. Run a sharp knife between the meat and the bones, free what should be an L-shaped piece of meat, and slice it in half vertically. Alternatively, if you're not certain of your butchery abilities, find your guild's Fury Warrior and tell him the steak used to belong to a full-Wrathful kitted paladin, and you'll have it finely sliced in no time; although you may have to distract him before he starts stamping on it.

4. Now, heat a metal pan - yes, a pan, we're not always high technology here, thank you! What do you think I am, a gnome? - anyway. Heat a metal pan to a high heat, and drizzle on a little of the highest-quality oil you can afford. That used to be [Blessed Wizard Oil], but then they nerfed it in the patch, so you might want to use [Extra Virgin Olive Oil] instead. Place the steaks in it. Cook them for 4 minutes, flipping them every 30 seconds like a Night Elf running around Dalaran, and serve!


Hugh Hancock, like Steven Segal, also cooks. See more WoW-related food insanity over here. And if you’re interested, the original recipe this was based on (Heston Blumenthal’s Perfect Steak) can be found here.

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